


treading water

by Kuroeia (Empatheia)



Series: d-gray contest @ LJ [4]
Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Ficlet, Gen, Introspection, Prompt Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-08-12
Updated: 2009-08-12
Packaged: 2021-03-14 18:27:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29300394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Empatheia/pseuds/Kuroeia
Summary: The fine art of failing to drown.
Series: d-gray contest @ LJ [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2152047
Kudos: 1





	treading water

**Author's Note:**

> Old fic cross-posted from FFN. 
> 
> Originally intended to be posted as my entry to dgray-contest's week #1 theme, "sin", but I opted to go with another fic (Faithless) instead.

The smoke drifts toward the shadowed ceiling, and Cross smiles wryly.

"Smell that, God?" he mutters.

It's a bad cigar, crass and nearly bodiless, but it works as well as any thrice its cost. He only chooses function over style on days like this; days when he can feel the enemy gnawing at his ankles, when he's too afraid to really enjoy the good stuff and the high is all that matters.

A tall bottle of golden brandy sits on the table beside his armchair. He hasn't decided yet whether he's afraid enough to drink it.

There are sins, and there are _sins_ , and God forgives him these little things because he is useful.

He knows what things he would not be forgiven for. He drinks and smokes and fucks because they are all that keeps him from doing them. If Hell has the spiritual gravity of earth and Heaven is akin to flying, Cross weighs a thousand pounds. It is a daily struggle to tread the water between.

Cross blinks, and the Earl smiles mockingly at him from the backs of his eyelids.

He reaches blindly for the brandy.

It is one thing to smile in the face of death. It is quite another to smile to its back when you know it will find you again but you don't know _when_ and cannot rid yourself of the feeling that it is watching you all the time, just waiting for you to stumble.

Cross is strong. Perhaps the strongest on his side, despite belligerent Winters and flashy Theodore and vengeful Nine, despite whatever strange and terrible thing Allen is becoming. His perpetual terror helps him fight. He wins every battle he fights.

Even so, in the end, he has no doubt as to who will win the war.

The brandy burns his throat all the way down.

X

**Author's Note:**

> Work intentionally this length, complete, and will not be updated.


End file.
